It's been hard around here...

It's been a hard, long week. :(

I went in with D's dad on Monday for his first round of chemo. In case you didn't know, he was diagnosed with Lung cancer 2wks ago that was small cell (the fastest growing cancer) and it had spread to his liver and lymph nodes.

We went in last Thursday where we met with the Dr. to tell us that it's terminal and that he had 3mo. or less to live without treatment, 3-6mo. with treatment. He wasn't going to do the chemo, but then decided that he wanted to "try". If he could buy 3 more months with his family, that's what he wanted to do. Darryl was VERY against this, voiced it very openly, but respected his father's decision. He has been very jaundice (due to the liver shutting down) for about a week, even his eyes are yellow. :( Minor pain, more achy like the flu, very weak/tierd.

Monday of this week we went in for his first dose. We were there from 8:30am-2:30pm.
They gave him a half dosage because they wanted to see how his body responded. His dr. made it known that there is always a possibility with chemo that if you have a dorment cell, that the chemo could cause that cell to "awaken" and it could spread even more.

This is what happened to my FIL.

He did ok with the chemo, wasn't sick.. just not feeling the best. So, we went in on Tuesday for round 2. Still a half dose, Weds. was going to be his "double up" day, then rest for 3wks to see if it worked. Keep in mind they gave him under 3mo. to live without treatment or 3-6mo. WITH treatment.

His heart rate dropped down to 30 over ??? DANGEROUSLY low. Come to find out, his potatisum levels were at dangerous highs (from the liver) so they rushed him to the ER. At the ER (Tuesday afternoon) they said he had 24hrs. to live, he was dieing of liver and kidney failure. His bellyrubin had doubled in one day. I can't even tell you the whirlwind of emotions that night. We prayed with him SO hard. He was VERY alert, and said he felt better than he had in days. We were all very verbal on how we felt about him and he kept saying, "Guys, I really don't think I'm going tonight". I told him that no one thought he was going that night, that he just really scared us with his heart rate jumping so low, that it's always better to say how you feel verses not saying it all. He agreed. He and I have a really good relationship and I kept trying to make the situation not so tense by cracking little jokes here and there, I think he apprecaited it because his kids were a mess. :( He said he felt like he was on "death watch", and I told him that no, we just like to keep an eye on him because he's so onry. I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it's been. I can't imagine what he's feeling emotionally, ya know?

They moved him up to ICU. After about 11 bags of fluid, he finally started to pee. It was blacker than coffee. They ended up discovering that he has a UTI infection, started him on antibotics and fast forward to yesterday- his urine output is now ALOT more clear and even though he's had over 20 bags of fluid, he's now outputting a lot more. Which is a BIG improvement.

His heart rate has been terribly low and that is even with the clippers on his veins to basically help pump the blood. He can't take any pain killers because it causes his heart rate to drop very low. Thankfully the pain at this point is at a minimum. It's his breathing that has became really labored. Last night he started complaining about his left jaw tightening, which really scares us. I talked to Susan about 20min. ago and she said that his jaw locked up again and that his blood pressure got really high. He's already had 2 heart attacks in his life, so this is our fear. They are not recessitating if something happens. I've struggled with this, so has D's dad. He wanted to be recessitated, but D emotionally broke down and said that he can make the choice to stick the tube down his throat to breath for him, but he (as in his dad) woudln't be there to make the choice to remove it. How much he loves him and that he coudln't face being dealt with making that decision. His dad then agreed not to recessitate. However, what I struggle with is if it's a heart attack. Do you really just sit there and watch your father have a heart attack and not do anything? It's been so difficult. I know how much pain I'm feeling and he's just my father in law. I can't imagine being faced with these decisions and feelings with one of my own parents. My peace with my FIL is knowing where he is spiritually. I know without hesitiation where he's going when he dies. I do not have that peace with my own parents, and I pray that I can reach them before anything like this should happen.

The Drs. estimated 24-48hrs. to a just a few days are left with him. It has been SO hard. We have been at the hospital non-stop, I'm so thankful for Chelcey to help with the girls. Unfort. her and Court leave tommorow to go with Chris, it coudln't be at a worser time. We took the girls over to say "goodbye" to him Tuesday night "just in case". :( The girls know that Papa is going to be with God and with Grandma. It's heartbreaking. I explained that Papa is sick like Grandma was sick, and that he has cancer. I told them that he's going to Heaven soon, just like all of us will go when we die because we know Jesus. I went on about how amazing Heaven is and how we will see him and Grandma again when it's our time to go be with the Lord. They understand "Heaven", but the "death" part is beyond their comprehension. I sheilded them from Darryl's Mom's death as much as possible because they were so young. They didn't go to the funeral. They will be going to Papa's. I feel that they are older now, they know God and can have that peace of where he will be. Savannah took it the hardest, she cried.. [a lot]. We did lots of talking, lots of hugging. :(

They (D and his siblings) to bring him home today, so he can be at home, comfortable. The Dr. was very up front that he could pass in a few hours after they take him off of all the fluids, clippers, etc... all the things that they are doing right now to help the organs function. It has been SUCH a hard thing to watch. He wants to go home and he knows he only has a few days left..... he's very quite. He knows where he's going, there's no question there... but I think it's just the fear of saying goodbye "for now" in his earthly body, ya know? There are no words to what is waiting for him in Heaven, but that "zest" of life and the life that we know here, with his children & family, I can't imagine. It hurts knowing that he feels that everyone is just "waiting" for him to pass, because I know that's what he's thinking. It's all over his face.

We prayed so intense for him last night- so intense. The presense of God was working in us so much. My hand was moved over the lower portion of his belly in a fast, figure 8 motion. I have been praying for peace over his mind and his heart, for comfort, no pain, and for an easy transition home. :(

Susan hasn't slept in days.... I worry about her so much. Darryl is doing as good as one could hope... it's so hard on him. He's so close to his dad and always turns to him for advice, esp. in business. He has so much respect for his father.

Ok, I am heading to the hospital now. If all goes as planned, he will be home later this afternoon. Please keep the family in your prayers. It's all in God's perfect plan and perfect time. We have all surrendered to that, but it doesn't make it any less painful to watch.

I'll update when I can.